self discrimination

2010-03-14T05:25:00.000-07:00

on friday, im walking.
i told you i'd do it, i told you i'd prove you wrong, and i have.
don't ever think you know what i'll do again, you'll be surprised how wrong you are.

2010-01-11T08:46:00.001-08:00

A goodbye isn’t painful unless you’re never going to say hello again.

2010-01-07T02:42:00.001-08:00

no one cares, no one wants to help, they just want to act like they care about me and my problems, no one understands how i feel. you just forget about me, you forget that I'm upset, that I have the problem, and you put it all back to you, you ignore me, how do you think that makes me feel, how do you think that makes me feel about our friendship, all you do is speak about yourself and whats wrong, why don't you let me speak ?, but then i get to thinking you know me to well to know i don't speak so you speak about yourself.

2010-01-05T19:53:00.001-08:00

"I can be myself here. I can tell the truth and never have to say, "I'm fine." I can talk freely about it. About how even when I wake some mornings and am content, I can still feel it tapping silently behind my heart. I know it is there, waiting for something, anything, the tiniest hiccup in my day to claw its way out and spread like cancer through the dark bits inside of me. It spreads from behind my heart, to my lungs (it's almost musical), it rushes to my head and then I am gone, rendered defenseless, helpless. People don't understand it. It's not and over reaction, it's losing a battle in a long dark war. I know ultimately, I won't win this fight, I am already so tired. I know one it will take me. My heart will decide it is time to stop umping its poisons through my veins. That will be the day that people will know that every time they asked how I was that the best I could do was spin lies, to grant them the freedom to count its existence. That will be the day that it finally decides to bleed me dry, the day it decides I have become too dull too lifeless to be important enough to resuscitate, the day it will finally free me from the dark and back into the light that I have missed so dearly."

2010-01-05T19:39:00.001-08:00

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

2009-12-29T03:43:00.000-08:00

i need you more than anything, and your not here.

2009-12-29T03:17:00.001-08:00

It's not fair how much i miss you.

2009-12-29T02:58:00.001-08:00

when you get back, im spending as much time as i can with you.
I'm honestly terrified that this is the last time im going to see you, speak to you, hug you, touch you, smile at you, be happy.

I'll stay with you for as long as im aloud.
I actually think I'll lye down on your bed and fall asleep for the time
that im going to be spending with you, I bet you wouldn't even care.

2009-12-29T02:55:00.000-08:00

and once i leave, I'll enter the stage of numbness
i don't want to be numb
i don't want to be sad.
i don't want to be angry anymore
im done with it. im done with being angry, im done with being sad
im done with everyone hating me, im done with not being happy

why won't you let me be happy ?

2009-12-29T02:54:00.001-08:00

I've given up on speaking, no one bothers to listen to me anyway.

2009-12-27T05:33:00.002-08:00

'If you die,' you said, 'So do I,' you said

2009-12-27T05:33:00.001-08:00

"Swear I will always be yours and you’ll always be mine."

i want this.

2009-12-26T20:53:00.000-08:00

A really cute boyfriend, that would sit and cuddle me, and watch movies/tv shows, even he hated, just because he knows that I like them. That wouldn’t tell me things I like are stupid, and try to turn me against them when he knows that I like them, just because he doesn’t. One that wouldn’t care about spending endless amounts of time with me, and we’d just never get sick of one another. And he’d buy me cute little, cheap cheesy things from the two dollar shop, that mean so much because they’re from him. Someone who wouldn’t have to do anything to impress me, or catch my eye, nor would I have to do the same for him. Someone who never stops being happy, and can make me smile whenever I need it, in any situation. He’d go to enormous lengths just to see me when there was something trying to stop it. Someone who would call me so many cute names, that it seemed like he forgot my name, except for when he told me he loved me. Someone with just that amazing vibe about them, that only I would feel, and he would feel about me. Someone who wouldn’t think I’m weird when I say I want to do something a lot of other people wouldn’t like. And he’d take me places that people wouldn’t know, or think that I’d like to go. Someone that would be so in love with me, that their love would never end, no matter what I did, and I’d feel the same. Who would just sit and hold me, and never ask, or want sex, or anything I wasn’t up for/in the mood for. He’d just love me, for me, and never try to change a thing about me. He’d respect my decisions, and never have to even try to disagree with me. He acts the same as when we’re alone, around whoever else. Instead of seeing some hot chick in the street and staring at her, he’ll glance and put all his attention back onto me. He’ll give me his honest opinion on the way I look, even though he’ll think I’m absolutely beautiful, either way, just so I don’t look silly in public. He’ll play me guitar or piano, and sing along, no matter how terrible a singer he is, just because he’s written me a thousand songs. He wont care about what other people think of me, and his opinion towards me will never change. And he’ll love absolutely everything and anything there is to love about me.

does that even exist ?

2009-12-26T20:51:00.001-08:00

Girl; Whats better your life or me ?
Boy; Before i answer that i have a question to ask you.
Girl; What is it?
Boy; Is there any difference between you and my life.

2009-12-26T20:50:00.001-08:00

2009-12-26T20:47:00.001-08:00

I think im afraid of getting to happy, because when ever i get happy something bad always happens - Charlie Brown.

does anyone else get this feeling ?

2009-12-26T20:38:00.000-08:00

Where you think someone’s absolutely perfect, and you'd do anything possible for them, when they don't even realise you like them that much and you can't even think of one single thing that they could possibly do wrong for you to stop feeling the way you feel about them, when you picture yourselves both perfectly together and you get butterflies when they say the cutest things that probably don't even mean anything to them, and just talking to them makes you feel like nothing else matters, and your just so happy.

its quite the worst feeling ever, isn't it.

2009-12-26T19:48:00.000-08:00

2009-12-26T19:44:00.000-08:00

can't you see im busy, can't you see i don't want to give it to you
can't you see that im actually doing something, i can't just give you it straight away, when you ask for it, you have to wait, your so selfish, you don't even care its mine, you can ask but you have to wait just like how i do, or how i find something else to do. yours is over there, yeah i understand that its slow, doesn't mean you have to take my stuff and my time from me speaking to people i want to speak to because by the time your finished, every ones asleep.

get your own fucking laptop. its mine.
this is the only thing i don't like sharing with anyone.

2009-12-26T18:53:00.001-08:00

If i cut off your arms and i cut off your legs, would you still love me anyway? If your bound and your gaged, draped and displayed would you still love me anyway?

2009-12-26T06:34:00.000-08:00

Go away!
I won't go without you. he called to her through the window.
Go away! Go away!
The rain dripped from his upper lip. not without you.
I'll kill myself!. she hollered.
Then i'll take your body with me, he said palms against the glass
Go away!
I won't!.

2009-12-26T06:17:00.000-08:00

I really miss you.It's just about unbearable, every moment of everyday i think about your absence, and it almost kills me. But of course I'll be with you soon, and I wont have to miss you, and I won't have to know that something, everything, is missing and, that what is here is only what is not here, I kiss my pillow before i go to sleep and imagine it's you. It sounds like something you might do, I know. That's probably why i do it.

2009-12-25T01:21:00.001-08:00

I feel like i need everyone so much more than they need me.

2009-12-25T01:20:00.001-08:00

2009-12-24T23:27:00.000-08:00

these aren't threats this is the truth.

2009-12-24T23:12:00.000-08:00

if you try to take me away from this place I'll kick and scream until i lose all feeling in my legs and voice.
I'll never be the same, i wont be the daughter you wanted, i wont care what you think, I'll dress how i want to dress, i'll smoke what i want to smoke, I'll drink what i want to drink, i'll be the daughter you want to kick out but can't because im underage, I'll be the one who just sits on the bedroom floor with the blinds down and the door locked with the screaming music so you won't know if its me or the music screaming, ignoring everything you say, everything you do, I'll be the disappointment, I'll be the one you don't want and im fine with that, but what i want to know is are you fine with taking away everything i want, everything that makes me happy, everything that makes me me.

if you really want to do this, keep taking me away from the place where i belong.
why won't you let me try this out, why won't you let me make my own mistakes,
most of all i want to know is why wont you let me be happy ?

2009-12-24T23:05:00.003-08:00

tell me why you don't want me happy ?, is it because your afraid I'll forget about you and not miss you or not stay in contact with you or is it because your just selfish and you want me to be miserable in a place where i hate everything that lives.

i hope you know how much I'll hate you if you take this place away from me.

2009-12-24T22:12:00.000-08:00

shut up, why don't you just shut up.

2009-12-23T06:57:00.001-08:00

Want me.

2009-12-23T06:55:00.000-08:00

2009-12-23T06:54:00.000-08:00

if you were to kindly leave me alone, it would be greatly appreciated.

2009-12-23T06:49:00.000-08:00

I did this today, It was lovely.

2009-12-23T06:35:00.000-08:00

could you just shut up for a five minutes or five hours, a day would be asking to much wouldn't it.
please refer from speaking to me, I don't want to hear or see you at the moment, I don't think i could even handle one sentence out of you right now, I don't think you understand how annoying you are, I can't even remember why i became friends with you again, spending time with you has made me realize how much you haven't changed and how much of the same person you still are, your hair may be longer, you may be taller and skinner but you haven't changed, your still the arrogant annoying friend i used to have in primary school who everyone hated and still hates.

2009-12-22T05:20:00.000-08:00

sometimes you have to be apart from people you love,but that doesn't mean you love them any less, sometimes it even makes you love them more.

2009-12-22T01:57:00.000-08:00

We all do the same things time over time again- we lie, we steal, we cheat and the pattern repeats.
No one's going to learn their lesson because it's not a lesson if you keep going back and doing the same thing. I've recently noticed how some of my friends are going back to the person who treated them badly, the one who actually never cared about them, the ones that's just using you... why would you do that to yourself again and again, just to end up the way you did before? Yeah he made you happy when you were with him, but what about the time when he didn't care about you and about how you were feeling or about how they mentally hurt you so much that you couldn't trust another person for months on end, are you willing to do that to yourself?

2009-12-20T20:39:00.000-08:00

2009-12-20T20:31:00.001-08:00

So its not gonna be easy, It's gonna be really hard, but I wanna do that because I want you, I want all of you, forever, you and me, everyday.

betrayal

2009-12-20T01:57:00.000-08:00

how could you do this to me.

2009-12-20T01:54:00.000-08:00

you make me feel good about myself, like no one else does.
you make me want to achieve at things i never thought i would ever be able to do.
you make me feel so happy when im around you yet at the same time worried about how much more time i have left with you, you make me feel like nothing matters, and i know your right because when im with you nothing does matter.

2009-12-18T08:31:00.000-08:00

guess i meant nothing to you, like everyone else i've ever come in contact with.

2009-12-18T07:49:00.001-08:00

2009-12-18T07:23:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry I'm a mistake,I'm sorry I'm a disappointment, I'm sorry.

2009-12-18T07:06:00.000-08:00

I need you more than i could ever of expected.
this is going to be harder than i expected, this is going to hurt more than last time, this is going to be much harder to survive.

2009-12-18T03:08:00.001-08:00

Because nothing sucks more than feeling all alone; no matter how many people are around you.

2009-12-16T15:07:00.000-08:00

I'd rather have you how i have you now, than not have you at all.

2009-12-16T15:03:00.000-08:00

You'll never know how much i want to be yours, I can't do that, I can't do that to this friendship, I can't do that to myself, I can't do that to you, you of all people, I just can't as much as i want to be yours, I'd rather have you now as i do then have you none at all.

2009-12-16T08:09:00.001-08:00

I hate the world, hate the rich, hate the happy, hate the complacent, the TV watchers, beer drinkers, the satisfied ones. Because I know I can be all of those little hateful things and then I hate myself for realizing that

2009-12-16T07:57:00.000-08:00

2009-12-16T07:47:00.000-08:00

forget the fears, forget everything someones ever told you, forget all your mistakes, forget all your regrets, forget all your memories,forget all your promises, forget being you, if we did this, maybe just maybe our lives would be complete for if we have nothing, we have nothing to have.

2009-12-15T06:56:00.001-08:00

Your pathetic, there's no other words to describe you, utterly pathetic.

2009-12-15T05:11:00.001-08:00

2009-12-15T04:17:00.000-08:00

I'm afraid we don't want the same things,
I'm afraid you don't want me the same way i want you
I'm afraid once im with you, im not going to be able to let go
I'm afraid as soon as you say goodbye, its going to mean something more to me than it does to you
Most of all, I'm afraid, I'll loose you.

2009-12-15T04:16:00.001-08:00

I want all of you, you and me forever.

2009-12-12T15:00:00.001-08:00

It's hard to wait for something when you don't even know if your going to get it -- But you still wait because your afraid if you don't try you wont get what you want and spend the few extra hours of your life with the one you love.

2009-12-11T03:42:00.000-08:00

you promised, guess it was just another lie i believed.

2009-12-05T01:59:00.000-08:00

"Why can't you believe a lie and not the truth"
"It never made sense for you to love me. I always knew that."

2009-12-05T01:50:00.000-08:00

2009-12-05T01:48:00.002-08:00

"I felt like I was trapped in one of those terrifying nightmares, the one where you have to run, run till your lungs burst, but you can’t make your body move fast enough."

2009-12-05T01:48:00.001-08:00

You’re not asleep, and you’re not dead. I’m here, and I love you. I have always loved you, and I will always love you. I was thinking of you, seeing your face in my mind, every second that I was away. When I told you that I didn’t want you, it was the very blackest kind of blasphemy.

2009-12-05T01:47:00.000-08:00

2009-12-05T01:00:00.000-08:00

I need you to stick with me threw this, i need you to be with me, i need to be near you, close to you, hugging you, even if it is for a short amount of time,i need to be near you, i need you so much right now, You have no idea.
I'm afraid once im with you, i don't think I'll want to leave. this is going to be another hard thing to get through,
i guess that's how it always is, I'm happy,i don't have to fake a smile or fake a laugh, i don't have to be something else, they accept me for who i am, not how i act or what i look like. its nice.

2009-12-05T00:54:00.000-08:00

I want to be yours and everything more.

2009-12-03T07:06:00.000-08:00

2009-12-03T06:46:00.000-08:00

I always wished I could be a Russian Doll. A red one. With a big pair of bright blue eyes and painted on eyelashes and pink rosy cheeks. Really rosy. And my mouth would be painted on red like a bow. I’d have a flower on my chest - a rose - and two small little hands by my side. And then I could be un wrapped, two, three, four times until I was small. Really small.

2009-12-03T06:45:00.003-08:00

2009-12-03T06:45:00.001-08:00

Cassie: Do you know what hurts most about a broken heart? Not being able to remember how you felt before... try and keep that feeling, because... if it goes... you'll never get it back
Chris Miles: What happens then?
Cassie: You lay waste to the world... and everything in it.

2009-12-03T03:54:00.000-08:00

yes i put things up here that i do not write.
have a problem, and tell me to get it off here and i will.

2009-12-03T01:57:00.000-08:00

2009-12-03T01:50:00.000-08:00

and when i die, you'll find letters that i've written about you, some will be bad, some will just be a sentence, and some will be 7 pages long, im going to be remembered, not because I was famous, or popular, ill be remembered by the ones who loved me and the ones who will miss me, that's actually all that matters to me, but then it gets me thinking, who actually does love me, and who actaully will miss me, sometimes i want to fake my own funeral just to see who would come but then i come back to reality and i realize no one would show up.

2009-12-01T02:44:00.000-08:00

never in my life have i ever wanted to get out of here so fast then right now,
just 10 more days and i'll be gone, gone for good hopefully.

2009-11-30T08:02:00.000-08:00

2009-11-30T07:35:00.000-08:00

If i told you i love you, would that be enough.

2009-11-30T07:23:00.000-08:00

you a disgusting little thing, i don't see how someone could of created you, you make me want to throw up, your not scary your just disgusting and ugly, your a filthy pest, you need to be extinct, no more to rome this world, no more screams of disgust, no more sprays, no more, you need to be gone, why were you put on this earth, to freak us out ?, you've done your job, go away
after all your just a crockcroatch,
I'd never seen so many of you intill i moved here, this is one more thing that makes me want to leave and never come back, filthy things live in filthy places, your just another one of them.
maybe im not just speaking about crockcroathes, maybe im speaking about these people in this god forsaken hell hole, but really the only thing you can call these people are crockcroatches, it describes them so much in one word.

2009-11-30T00:31:00.000-08:00

2009-11-30T00:30:00.001-08:00

"In ten years, you'll look back and wonder, what if I stuck with him, and you'll never know what could of happened."
"Maybe."
"You can tell by the way he looks at you, he likes you."
"Maybe."
"And the way he talks about you, he cares about you."
"But, he loves her."

2009-11-29T23:56:00.000-08:00

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love and yet it makes you the happiest you've ever been.

2009-11-29T23:07:00.001-08:00

2009-11-29T23:05:00.001-08:00

And i don't want to fall to pieces, i just want to sit and stare at you.

2009-11-29T06:57:00.000-08:00

2009-11-29T06:55:00.001-08:00

why wont you love me, is there something wrong with me, why can't you feel the same way i feel about you, is there something wrong with me, why can't you see how much i love you, why can't you see how much im longing to be in your arms, i hold onto your goodbye hugs because i know that's all im ever going to get. why won't you love me.

2009-11-29T06:53:00.001-08:00

i don't mind being alone, but its the thought of being alone until i die, that gets me scared, i guess I'll have to suck it up, its not like anythings going to change.

2009-11-29T06:43:00.000-08:00

2009-11-29T06:32:00.000-08:00

2009-11-29T06:23:00.001-08:00

its crazy right ?
to love someone who's hurt you.
its crazier to think that someone who hurt you loves you.
but i guess it hard to give up on something,
especially when its everything you ever wanted.

2009-11-28T23:30:00.000-08:00

2009-11-28T23:28:00.000-08:00

if you love something, you shouldn't stop just because someone doesn't like what you've done.

2009-11-27T09:24:00.000-08:00

some days are harder than others.
some days I can't even think.
some days I can't eat or sleep.
some days I can't even leave my bed.
some days I feel like giving up.
some days are okay.
some days I don't even cry.
some days I don't miss you as much.
some days I don't need to fake a smile.
some days I almost feel happy again
some days i know i will be okay.

2009-11-27T08:18:00.000-08:00

2009-11-26T19:51:00.000-08:00

He was a beautiful man.

2009-11-26T19:50:00.000-08:00

2009-11-26T19:45:00.000-08:00

Kat: A Fender Strat? Is this for me?
Patrick: Yeah. I thought you could use it. You know, when you start your band. Besides, I had some extra cash, you know. Some asshole paid me to take out a really great girl.
Kat: Is that right?
Patrick: Yeah, but I screwed up. I fell for her.
Kat: Really?
Patrick: It’s not every day you find a girl who’ll flash someone to get you out of detention.
Kat: You can’t just buy me a guitar every time you screw up, you know.
Patrick: Yeah, I know. But then, you know, there’s always drums and bass and maybe even one day a tambourine.

2009-11-25T07:21:00.000-08:00

he can make me laugh, when i don't want to speak to anyone else.

2009-11-25T07:14:00.000-08:00

My Dearest Allie,
I couldn’t sleep last night because I know that it’s over between us.
I’m not bitter anymore, because I know that what we had was real.
And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives,
I’ll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees,
learning from each other and growing in love.
The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more,
that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that’s what you’ve given me.That’s what I hope to give to you forever. I love you.
I’ll be seeing you. Noah

2009-11-25T07:11:00.000-08:00

i'd like to have a place like this.

2009-11-25T07:10:00.000-08:00

if I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. do you see ?

2009-11-24T04:59:00.000-08:00

2009-11-24T03:45:00.001-08:00

When the fox hears the rabbit scream, he come's a runnin'... but not to help.

2009-11-24T03:42:00.000-08:00

With tears rolling down my face and thoughts racing through my mind,

I'm finding it hard to find the words to describe how i feel right now.

I feel as if i can't do anything right and as a result I'm slowly going to loose everything and everyone,I wish you could just give me a chance to prove you i didn't start this,

This feeling of frustration and self hatred just keeps getting stronger.

2009-11-23T03:47:00.000-08:00

and here it comes again, the anger the sadness the needing, go away, i don't want this,i didnt ask for this, leave me alone!

2009-11-23T03:44:00.000-08:00